Lucian79 Posted October 14, 2005 (edited) Un inspector in vizita la un azil da peste un nebun care se balanseaza ca un pendul. - Ce ai ? - Eu sunt ceas, masor timpul exact: Tic, Tac. - Esti de mult asa ? - Ooo, de multa vreme... Tic, Tac. - Nu te strinci ? - Niciodata ! - Bine, bine, ia spune-mi cat e ceasul. - E unspe fara cinci... aoleu! m-ai tinut de vorba si sint in urma! Tic, Tac, Tic, Tac, Tic, Tac ! ________________________________________________________________________________ ________ Un meserias se duce la medic cu o mica problema:`Dom` Doctor, mi-au crescut in capul bastarcii doua manute si cand vreau sa o bag la pasarica manutele se proptesc si nu ma lasa sa o bag`.Medicul se scarpina si gaseste solutia: sa i le taie .Nu trece o luna ca se prezinta iar pacientul :`Dom Doctor, iar mi-au crescut, ce facem ?`Asta i le taie din nou ,ii da o alifie de data asta, pt ungere.Trece o luna ,trec doua ,se intalnesc pe strada intamplator.`Ce mai faceti d-le ,cum va descurcati ,au mai aparut manutele?`-intreba doctorul.`Da,sunt tot acolo`-`Pai, si cum o faceti?`-`Simplu,inainte sa o bag ,ii dau cu mana peste cap si ea se apuca cu manutele de el sa se fereasca...` later : unu tare de tot Ursul si magarul vroiau si ei sa manance,ursul mure si magarul sa pasca. Se vorbira ei ca la deal magarul sa-l care in spate pe urs,iar la vale ursul pe magar.Zis si facut Mancara ei si plecara.La deal il cara magarul pe urs,la vale ursul pe magar.Dar cum ursul avea curul mare si dolofan, i se scula magarului o mataringa de i se balanganea ursului intre picioare.Acum ursul ii zice magarului: -Auzi ba, magarule, dupa ce ca esti prost mai pui si frana Edited October 14, 2005 by Lucian79 Share this post Link to post
Ndi Posted October 15, 2005 Ai fi surprins sa afli ca in america daca i-ti cumperi [Offtopic] Daca i-ti [sic] cumperi ceva, se presupune ca stii ce vrei, in majoritatea tarilor. La ei sunt mai multi dobitoci si probabil mai multi hoti. Cat despre cazul rulotei, precum si faimosul proces al cafelei fierbinti, iti recomand "Stella awards" via Google. In 1992, procesul a fost Stella Liebeck versus McDonalds, in cazul unei cafele fierbinti. Un link bun este www.StellaAwards.com . O alta lectura recomandata celor care se doresc destinsi este "Darwin awards" (www.darwinawards.com). Se ocupa cu cei care, in spiritul selectiei naturale, ajuta la curatirea genomului uman prin moartea genelor slabe. Printre altii, oameni care se impusca singuri, oameni care verifica rezervorul cu bricheta si, nu in ultimul rand, alimentarea detonatoarelor. Enjoy: (7 March 2005, Hanoi, Vietnam) Nguyen, 21, had been drinking with friends in the Tu Liem district of Hanoi, when he pulled out an old detonator he had found. The detonator was about six centimeters long and 8 centimeters in diameter, with two wires hanging out of the end. Because it was old and rusty, he said, it couldn't explode. His friends disagreed. To prove his point, Nguyen put the detonator in his mouth and asked his friend to plug the dangling wires into a 220-volt electrical receptacle. Nyugen was wrong! The victim had little time to reflect on how he could have been so mistaken, or whether 220 volts alone could have been fatal. According to police, "the explosion blew out his cheek and smashed all his teeth." Nguyen died on the way to the hospital. Share this post Link to post
Wolfman Posted October 15, 2005 culmea imbolnaviriisa pui mana la pasarica si sa faci gripa aviara Masuri de profilaxie: Trebuie sa ardem toate pasaricile !!!! > Share this post Link to post
VAXXi Posted October 15, 2005 Nu radeti, procesul cu McDonalds a avut o baza destul de solida; mai exact, McDonalds servea cafeaua aproape oparita fara a avertiza asupra acestui fapt. In urma procesului, s-a scazut temperatura cafelei servite si s-a pus avertismentul pe pahare. Share this post Link to post
Leutzu Posted October 16, 2005 Ardelenii se hotarasc sa declare razboi Chinei. La un moment dat unul dintre ei ii atentioneaza pe ceilalti: -Ba, da -s milioane! -Da chiar, ba, unde-i ingropam? Share this post Link to post
tolin Posted October 16, 2005 Asta are si o continuare: "de gasit, gasim noi unde, dar ce facem cu rudele lor venite la inmormantare si la parastase ?" Share this post Link to post
john Posted October 17, 2005 Doi nebuni in padure gasesc o pusca... Ia unul un capat al pustii, se uita... o armeaza...alalalt apuca celalalt capat, se uita si el...primul apasa pe tragaci...pusca se descarca si il loveste pe celalalt fix in fata.. Cel care a tras zice... "Ho, ba, ca si eu m-am speriat, dar n-am facut fata asta!!" Share this post Link to post
sebian Posted October 17, 2005 De la un manelist catre prietena lui- DE MARE SIMTIRE POETICA SI RESPECT PENRU LIMBA ROMANA Esti frumoasa ca o stele, Tu mi-ai rupt inima-n doi, Toate sufletele mele, Bate pentru tu si noi! Share this post Link to post
tribunul Posted October 17, 2005 Masuri de profilaxie: Trebuie sa ardem toate pasaricile !!!! > ...si sa incepem cu Pasarin Share this post Link to post
sebian Posted October 17, 2005 There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on switching off lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. > She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! > Soft,wonderful and larger than a "real one." She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bum," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" > The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids." Share this post Link to post
sebian Posted October 18, 2005 > > > Un om avea un papagal care injura. Intr-o zi, > > > exasperat, omul il inchide in camara. Nimic, numai > > > porcarii ii ieseau pe gura papagalului. Il inchide > > > in > > > sifonier. Si mai rau. Il inchide in congelator. Dupa > > > un minut tace. Deschide omul usa congelatorului. > > > Papagalul zice: > > > - Va rog sa acceptati scuzele mele pentru > > > neplacerile > > > provocate, va asigur insa ca nu se vor mai repeta . > > > Omul sa cada pe spate, nu-i venea sa creada. Tot > > > papagalul: > > > - Apropo... doar asa, din curiozitate, gaina cu ce-a > > > gresit? Share this post Link to post
keluboss Posted October 18, 2005 De ziua lui, Ion primeste o pusca noua de vanatoare. Dornic sa o incerce, pleaca la vanatoare de ursi. Ajuns in padure vede un urs. Pune pusca la ochi, tinteste, trage, ursul cade mort. Ion se apropie de urs, il misca cu piciorul, cand... simte o bataie pe umar. Se intoarce si ce vede? Un mare urs brun care ii spune: - Ioane, Ioane , situatia e nasoala. Tocmai l-ai omorat pe varul meu. Acum ai doua optiuni... ori te sfasii si te omor, ori facem sex - tu, ca partener pasiv, desigur! Ion sta, se gandeste... pana la ofteaza: - Bine mai ursule, asta e. Facem sex. Dupa ce se termina, Ion pleaca mai mult mort decat viu acasa. Dornic de razbunare, se intoarce in padure. Cauta ursul brun, il gaseste, il omoara si... simte pe umar o bataie. Se intoarce... vede un urs grizzly care ii spune: - Ioane, situatia e nasoala. Ursul brun pe care tocmai l-ai omorat era varul meu. Acum ai doua optiuni ... ori te sfasii si te omor, ori "wild sex ! Ion sta, se gandeste si cu jumatate de gura (stiind ce i se intamplase) ii raspunde: - Bine, mai ursule, asta e. Facem sex salbatic. Dupa partida de sex salbatic, Ion sta in reanimare 3 luni. Si de data asta isi jura ca se va razbuna. Se intoarce in padure, cauta ursul grizzly, il omoara si ... DA ... o alta bataie pe umar. Cand se uita in spate, un urs polar urias ii spune: - Ioane, acum intre noi fie vorba... nu-i asa ca tu nu vii aici doar pentru vanatoare Share this post Link to post
john Posted October 18, 2005 M E Z I N U L Basm poporan Intr-o dimineata iese taranul in grajd, si vede ca singura vaca a familiei si-dat duhul. - Valeleu, ce ma fac, din ce vom trai de acu' incolo? Asa de tare sa necajeste, de-si pune latu' la gât si se spânzura. Peste un sfert de ora se scoala si nevasta. Iese la grajd si vede vaca moarta, sotul spânzurat... de necaz isi baga furca in burta. Se scoala si baiatul cel mare. Iese in grajd, vede vaca moarta, ta-su spânzurat, ma-sa cu furca-n burta... ce sa faca? Pleaca si cauta Zâna Padurii. - Auzi Zâno... nu se poate face sa nu fie intâmplate cele intâmplate? - Ba se poate, dar numai daca ma f**i de 5 ori. Se apuca baiatul cel mare, dar la al 4-lea numar face atac de cord. Nu trece mult timp, se trezeste baiatul cel din mijoc. Isi cauta parintii, fratele. Iese in grajd, vede vaca moarta, ta-su spânzurat, ma-sa cu furca-n burta... ... ce sa faca? Pleaca si cauta Zâna Padurii. In padure il vede pe fra-su mort. - Auzi Zâno... nu se poate face sa nu fie intâmplate cele intâmplate? - Ba se poate, dar numai daca ma f**i de 10 ori. Se pune baiatul la treaba de la numarul 9 face o criza de asm si moare. Peste putin timp, se trezeste si mezinul familiei. Isi cauta parintii, fratii. Iese in grajd, vede vaca moarta, ta-su spânzurat, ma-sa cu furca-n burta... ... ce sa faca? Pleaca si cauta Zâna Padurii. In padure il vede pe fratii sai morti. - Auzi Zâno... nu se poate face sa nu fie intâmplate cele intâmplate? - Ba se poate, dar numai daca ma f**i de 20 ori. - Dar daca te f*t de 25 de ori? - Si mai bine. - Dar de 30 ori? - Excelent, da drumul! - Dar vei rezista? - Sigur ca da. - Asa a crezut si vaca... Share this post Link to post
nrares Posted October 18, 2005 In-Flight Humor Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada. We'd like to thank you for flying Southwest Airlines, and on behalf of the flight deck we'd also like to extend a very special and very happy 101st Birthday to a gentleman seated near the front of the aircraft." <scattered applause> "So... if you happen to see the Captain on the way out, mind his walker, shake his hand, and wish him well with another 100 years working here at Southwest Airlines." "If you smoke, please wait until you arrive at a designated smoking area to light up, which (in California) would be outside." "Please use caution when opening the overhead compartments as shift happens!" After taking off, the pilot got on the speaker and said, "Bear with me folks, this is my first time." "From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more." "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines." "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight." This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?" After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways." Share this post Link to post
nrares Posted October 18, 2005 Un barbat cat de cat increzator in sine intra intr-un bar si ia loc langa cea mai atragatoare femeie de acolo. El ii da tipei o aruncatura de ochi rapida, apoi se uita intamplator la ceas pentu cateva clipe. Femeia observa asta si intreaba: - A intarziat la intalnire? - Nu, raspunde el, numai ce am cumparat acest ceas (opera de arta) si am iesit sa il testez. Atunci, femeia intrigata spune: - Un ceas de mana - opera de arta? Ce il face atat de deosebit? - Se bazeaza pe undele alfa pentru a vorbi telepatic cu mine, a explicat el. - Si ce iti spune acum? - Ei bine, imi spune ca nu porti chiloti. Femeia chicoteste si raspunde: - Ei bine, inseamna ca e stricat, pentru ca eu port chiloti!. Barbatul spune: - Nu cred ca e stricat... E doar cu o ora inainte... _____________________________________________________________ Furnica vine spre casa, dupa-amiaza tarziu, obosita. In drum spre casa, trebuie sa treaca un lac. Tocmai trecea pe acolo elefantul. Furnica foarte fericita: - Auzi, elefantule, sunt asa de obosita, nu pot inota atata, nu vrei tu sa ma treci, daca te rog, tu esti mare. - Urca, ii zice elefantul. Din doi pasi elefantul e dincolo. Fericita furnica se da jos: - Mersi, elefantule, iti raman datoare, poate iesim odata la un suc, ceva... - Hai, lasa astea, dezbracarea! _____________________________________________________________ Din cauza semnalarii gripei aviare in Romania pana la noi anunturi din partea ministerului sanatatii se interzic orice fel de activitati de genul "f*tut buha". Va multumim pentru intelegere. _____________________________________________________________ La tribunal Un divort se desfasoara la tribunal intre doi ex. Se cearta pentru custodia fiicei lor. Femeia isi exprima argumentul ei: "Eu am adus-o pe lume cu durere, custodia imi corespunde mie." Judecatorul catre sot: "Ce aveti de spus ca argument al dv? "Omul se gandeste putin si apoi zice calm: "Dle judecator, daca dumneavoastra bagati o moneda intr-un automat de racoritoare si iese un Pepsi, al cui e Pepsi, al masinii sau al dv?" _____________________________________________________________ Era o tipa blonda cu barbatul ei. In acea zi trebuia sa vina gunoierii sa ia gunoiul. Dupa ce pleaca barbatul de acasa, vine un gunoier suna la usa: "sarutmana, sunt gunoierul, am venit sa iau gunoiul" . Se duce asta ia gunoiul, il aduce lui asta, dupa care il trage inauntru si ii face o m*** . Pleaca asta fericit, ii povesteste si la celalalt gunoier. Cand a auzit asta, se duce si el si suna la usa: "Sarutmana, sunt gunoier, am venit sa iau gunoiul" . Mai cauta asta niste gunoi prin casa, ii aduce si lui asta, dupa care il trage in casa si ii face o m*** . Pleaca si asta fericit, si se apuca astia si povestesc la sofer ce li s-a intamplat. Cum aude soferu, se duce si el si suna la usa: "Sarutmana, sunt soferul de la gunoi, am venit sa iau gunoiul" . Se duce asta mai cauta niste gunoi, dupa care ii da lui asta 100 de mii. Soferu ramane socat: "....dar doamna...colegii mei...mi-au zis ca...." , la care blonda : " Pai da, sotul meu mi-a zis asa: cand vin aia sa ia gunoiul, ii dai la sofer 100 de mii si la ailalti la m*** " ! Share this post Link to post
ToPser Posted October 18, 2005 Primita pe messenger : Dintr-un comunicat oficial al Ministerului Apararii Nationale reiese ca: "Datorita gripei aviare se face apel catre toti barbatii in putere, sa arda orice pasarica ce le iese in cale ) Share this post Link to post
john Posted October 19, 2005 Incearca sa faci in Win un folder denumit "con" sau "prn" si vei vedea ca nu poti!! > Share this post Link to post
Tommy Posted October 19, 2005 veche uite si altele: AUX, CLOCK$, NUL, COM1, COM2, COM3, COM4, COM5, COM6, COM7, COM8 Share this post Link to post
john Posted October 20, 2005 Mirele oltean - Cum recunosti mirele la o nunta olteneasca? - Are treningul cel mai nou. Share this post Link to post
nrares Posted October 20, 2005 Incearca sa faci in Win un folder denumit "con" sau "prn" si vei vedea ca nu poti!! > The following reserved device names cannot be used as the name of a file: CON, PRN, AUX, CLOCK$, NUL, COM1, COM2, COM3, COM4, COM5, COM6, COM7, COM8, COM9, LPT1, LPT2, LPT3, LPT4, LPT5, LPT6, LPT7, LPT8, and LPT9. You must avoid using these names as a file name suffix or file name body, so you have to avoid names such as aux.c, file.aux or NUL.txt. DOS device names are reserved words, and cannot be used as folder or file names. When parsing a reference to a file or folder, Windows correctly checks for the case in which a single DOS device name is used in the path, and treats it as invalid. Share this post Link to post
ticolino Posted October 20, 2005 apropo. bug pe bune primit la noi la firma, la qa: Subject: Bugzilla ID 1666 - After opening Logic Miner, can not create a "con" directory Steps to reproduce this bug : 1 - Open Logic Miner (installing Logic Miner before that is optional) 2 - Close Logic Miner 3 - Try to create a directory named "con" 4 - The creation fails. Share this post Link to post
