Bancuri

[laurentziu83]

Eu zic ca nu-i scumpa hartia igienica, totusi.

[Mircea]

Cum se numeste omul care nu are mana stanga, piciorul stang, ochiul

stang

si urechea stanga?

 

 

 

 

All right !

[sebian]

http://fun.bascalie.ro/vizualizare~poze-sp...i-asa-ceva.html

 

Diploma de ardelean

[tribunul]

Un tip intra intr-o farmacie si, plin de el, ridica palma cu degetele rasfirate spre farmacista. Asta ridica din umeri.

Tipul: Cinci!

Farmacista:cinci ce?

Viagra!, Vine o rusoaica la mine in seara asta si tre sa fiu in forma maxima.

A doua zi vine iar tipul la farmacie si ridica ambele palme spre farmacista

Ea mirata; 10 viagra???

Tipul: Nu, o crema de maini. N-a venit rusoaica.

 

Intr-o gradinita din America, educatoarea le promite copiilor 2 $ daca vor raspunde exact la intrebarea:

- Cine a fost persoana cea mai importanta din istoria omenirii?

Se ridica Sean, irlandezul, si zice ca St. Patrick.

- Gresit, urmatorul la rand!

Se ridica McQ ueen, scotianul, si zice ca St. Andrew.

- Gresit, urmatorul...

Se ridica Shlomo, evreul, si zice ca Iisus Cristos.

Educatoarea ii da cei 2 $ pentru raspunsul exact si-l intreaba cum se face ca evreii il recunosc pe Isus ca cel mai important om din istorie. Raspunsul lui:

- Eu stiu de fapt ca cel mai tare din istoria umanitatii a fost MOISE, dar BUSINESS IS BUSINESS!

 

PS: bancul a luat premiul 1 la festivalul international al bancurilor.

Motivatia juriului: A doua oara cand un evreu il vinde pe Iisus.

Edited September 7, 2006 by tribunul

[MethodRO]

Barbatul a descoperit ARMELE si a inventat VÂNATOAREA, femeia a descoperit VÂNATOAREA si a inventat BLANURILE Barbatul a descoperit CULORILE si a inventat PICTURA, femeia a descoperit PICTURA si a inventat MACHIAJUL Barbatul a descoperit LUMEA si a inventat CONVERSATIA, femeia a descoperit CONVERSATIA si a inventat BÂRFA Barbatul a descoperit JOCURILE si a inventat JOCUL DE CARTI, femeia a descoperit JOCUL DE CARTI si a inventat DATUL ÎN CARTI Barbatul a descoperit AGRICULTURA si a inventat MÂNCAREA, femeia a descoperit MÂNCAREA si a inventat DIETA Barbatul a descoperit FEMEIA si a inventat SEXUL, femeia a descoperit SEXUL si a inventat DURERILE DE CAP Barbatul a descoperit COMERTUL si a inventat BANII, femeia a descoperit BANII ... si s-a DUS NAIBII TOTUL!

 

Un american catre un roman: -Da-mi otel si iti fac cel mai mare port-avion din lume... Da romanu` -Da-mi-o pe sor-ta si iti fac tot echipajul

[Maxx]

I: Ce putem face in caz de alarma atomica?

R: Va spalati, va puneti un rand de haine noi si va indreptati incet, incet, spre cimitir.

I: Dar de ce incet, incet?

R: Ca sa nu creati panica

 

Doi vecini de vorba:

- Imi pare rau, vecine, de nenorocirea care ti s-a intamplat: din cauza focului, ti-a murit si nevasta, si vaca.

- Da, sunt amarat. Toti imi spun: lasa, iti gasesti tu alta femeie, ia-o pe vaduva cutare, uite, cunosc eu pe una tare gospodina. Unul n-ar veni sa-mi zica: na, ma, si tie alta vaca... )

 

O vulpita mergea prin padure... La un moment dat, dintr-un tufis se aude:

- Cucuriguuuuu... Cucuriguuuuu...!!! Atenta, incearca sa localizeze tufisul... din nou:

- Cucuriguuuuu... Cucuriguuuuu...!!! Se apropie de tufis.

- Cucuriguuuuu... Cucuriguuuuu...!!! Sare in tufis si pret de vreun sfert de ora se aud tot felul de zgomote ciudate. La un moment dat, din tufis iese ursul tragandu-si pantalonii si cugetand:

- Mai, ce bine e sa stii o limba straina! )

[alexino]

O pereche pe banca in parc. El catre ea: - Pot sa-mi incalzesc mainile intre picioarele tale? Ea: - La urechi nu ti-e frig?

[tribunul]

http://www.ziarulcn.com/article/aid/39462/...DE-PIATRA!/

[Zmeul cel rau]

Merge Maria la doctor.

Domnule doctor, m-o tot durut capul si mi-o zis cineva ca varza murata ar fi foarte buna...I-adevarat?

Da, zice doctorul, mai ales cu carnati.

[iulia]

Doua bunaciuni discutau incet intr-un compartiment de tren. Pe unul din scaune statea un domn, care pretindea ca doarme. O femeie i se plangea prietenei cat de scumpe sunt rochiile si bijuteriile in ziua de azi...Cealalta ii spune:

- Ar trebui sa iti gasesti un prieten, care in schimbul unei mici atentii sa fie dispus sa-ti ofere 500$ pe luna. Stii tu, sotii de azi nu mai sunt forte atenti cu sotiile, nu mai fac cadouri...

- Si daca nu imi gasesc un prieten care sa-mi ofere 500$?

- Iti gasesti doi care iti ofera cate 250$.

In acel moment, barbatul deschide un ochi si le spune:

- Ma treziti si pe mine cand ajungeti pe la 20$?

[nrares]

Sotul catre sotie, in timp ce treceau cu masina noaptea printr-un sat:

- Vezi draga, aici am facut noi prima oara dragoste, mai tii minte gardul asta pe care am facut-o?

Sotia:

- Hai sa o mai facem o data.

Opresc autoturismul, se duc pe gardul respectiv si se apuca de treaba.

Sotia se manifesta zgomotos, cu tipete, cu zgarieturi, iar la un moment dat lesina. Sotul termina treaba, o ia in brate, o suie in masina si porneste mai departe. Dupa vreo 30 de minute sotia isi revine, iar sotul o lauda:

- Draga, ai fost exceptionala, nici prima data nu ai fost asa.

La care sotia:

- Da, draga, dar prima data nici gardul nu era electrificat.

 

 

 

Care e diferenta dintre un set de anvelope si 365 de prezervative ?

-Anvelopele sunt GoodYear, dar cele 365 de prezervative sunt un Very GoodYear.

Edited September 8, 2006 by nrares

[ileana]

Scufita Rosie, de frica sa nu se intalneasca cu lupul cel rau prin padure, hotareste sa faca autostopul. Opreste o masina si din vorba in vorba afla ca soferul era DJ la un post de radio local.

-Stii, astazi este ziua bunicutii si tare s-ar bucura daca i-as face o dedicatie.

-Stii, nu este chiar asa de simplu.

-Te rog, fac orice.

-Ok, spuse acesta desfacandu-se la slit.

-Cum, asa, in masina?

-Dar ce are?

-OK, si aplecandu-se, "de la Scufita Rosie pentru Bunicuta ...."

[ileana]

Barbatul: Nevasta, nu ai chef de sex?

Nevasta: Nu pot ca maine merg la ginecolog.

Barbatul: (dupa 5 minute) Da', la dentist te duci??

[nrares]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.

 

 

2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

 

 

3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

 

 

4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

 

 

5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

 

 

6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

 

 

7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

 

 

8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

 

 

9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

 

 

10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

 

 

11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

 

 

12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.

 

 

2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERTLY CAUCASIAN.

 

 

3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

 

 

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

 

 

5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.

 

 

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

 

 

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.

 

 

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

 

 

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

 

 

10. He is not a WANKER - He is an OWNER OPERATOR

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anniversary

 

Three guys were sitting in a bar. One was a doctor, one a lawyer, and the other a biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring, and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said; "Well, my past anniversary I got my wife a string of pearls and also a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and know that I love her."

The biker then took a big swig of his beer and said; " Yah, well for my anniversary I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, she could go fac herself."

 

 

What's for Lunch?

 

A Harley rider, a Honda rider and a Suzuki rider all worked together building a skyscraper. They were eating lunch together one day on the 30th floor structure. The Harley rider said, "Man, chicken again. If I have chicken in my bucket tomorrow, I'm jumping!" The Honda rider said, "Crap, bologna again. If I have bologna in my bucket tomorrow, I'll jump, too!" The Suzuki rider said, "Well, I've got rice again and if I have rice tomorrow, I'll jump, too!" The next day the Harley rider opened his bucket, had chicken, and jumped. The Honda rider had bologna and jumped. The Suzuki rider had rice, he jumped, too. The funerals were held together and the wives of the three were talking. The Harley widow said, "If I had only known I would not have packed chicken". The Honda widow said the same about bologna. The Suzuki widow just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Don't blame me, he packed his own lunch!"

 

 

Dude's New Harley

 

This dude always dreamed of owning a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to his local dealer and he picks out the perfect bike. While getting all the paperwork together, the dealer tells him about an old bike trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the dude meets a woman and falls in love. She wants him to meet her parents so she asks him to come to dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parent's house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck in doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the dude decides to speed things up. He reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table.

They have even wilder sex. No one says a word. He is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

The father says, "okay dammit, I'll do the fuckn' dishes!!!

[CristiP]

- Just Married -

 

A Couple got married a week ago. After 2 weeks of marriage the hausband tells his wife :

- Honey, i'll go to town to drink a beer. I will not be late. Ok baby?

- You want a beer honey?

*His wife goes to the refrigerator and gets him 25 beers from 15 different countries. Germany, Holland, Japan, India etc.*

- Yes baby but at the bar they got frozen glasses...

- You want a frozen glass honey?

*His wife goes to the fridge and gets him a glass so cold that his hand froze when he touched it*

-Yes honey but... at the bar they have snacks...

-You want snacks baby?

*His wife opens the oven and takes out 15 plates of snacks. chicken wings, pork meat etc.*

*Her hausband started to look a bit pale and then he said*

-Yes baby but at the bar i'll hear some dirty words that i havent heard for quite a while.

-You want dirty words honey?

Drink your fucking beer and eat your fucking snacks cause your not going anywhere.

Got it asshole?

[paul_marines]

- Just Married -

A Couple got married a week ago. After 2 weeks of marriage the hausband tells his wife :

 

*Her hausband started to look a bit pale and then he said*

 

Please use husband instead hausband just for the sake of accurate writing in English. On the other hand that's quite a cute joke.

 

Got it *******?

Edited September 11, 2006 by safari hunter

[iulia]

Una sadica:

Care-i diferenta dintre moarte si sex? Daca mori singur, nu rade lumea de tine.

[Maxx]

Un tip in autobuz vede o super bunaciune.

Incepe sa intre in vorba cu ea: o saluta, aia nimic , se prezinta, aia nimic, incepe sa se caracterizeze, aia nimic.

La prima coboara bunaciunea iar asta dupa ea, la care tipa se opreste, ii da o palma si ii spune:

- Domle’ dar chiar nu tie rusine, ce vrei sa te bata cineva sa intelegi sa il lasi in pace, de altfel imi si inchipui cate palme ai luat de la femei ca mine.

- Da, intradevar am luat palme, dar stii cate am f8t*t... )

[CristiP]

- Just Married -

 

A Couple got married a week ago. After 2 weeks of marriage the hausband tells his wife :

)

[5orin]

maimuta sinucigasa

[Brainiac]

Un tip merge prin padure. Deodata vede o placuta sus pe un copac, se uita omul si citeste: "Atentie! Padure de poponari!".

Merge mai departe si gaseste o alta placuta pe la mijlocul altui copac: "Atentie! Padure de poponari!".

Merge omul ingrijorat si vede alta placuta mica cazuta la radacina unui copac. Se apleaca omul si citeste: "Prea tarziu!".

[rm.popa]

http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibj...98/jokeid/37391

Merge cam prost link-ul, dar merită!

[Zmeul cel rau]

Un betiv intra intr-o biserica catolica si se duce direct la confesare.

Intra in cabina si nu zice nimc.

Popa, nedumerit, isi drege vocea incercand sa-i atraga atentia omului.

Asta nimic.

Dupa un timp, bate popa de 3 ori in peretele despartitor, la care betivul raspunde:

- N-are rost sa bati, nici eu nu mai am hartie.

[iulia]

Mos Gheorghe, de 80 de ani, se duce pentru prima oara din satucul lui de departe la oras, sa-si faca niste analize. Si pe drumul de la gara la spital, vede o poarta mare pe care scria "Gradina zoologica". Curios din

fire, intra. Iese dupa cateva ore bune absolut incantat. Isi rezolva treburile si se-ntoarce in sat.

- Ei, mosule, cum o fo' la spital? il intreaba cei de-acelasi leat cu el.

- La spital o fo' cum o fo', da' sa vedeti voi gradina zoologica!

- Ce-i aia?

- E un loc asa, mai mare, unde vezi tat felu' de animale, care de care mai traznite.

- Ce animale?

- Pai, de-un exemplu, zebra.

- Cum ii zebra?

- Cum sa va spui io... Stiti magaru' lu' Vasile, ala ce paste pe sant?

- Da.

- Ei, zebra seamana cu magaru' lui Vasile, numai ca ii colorata pe tat trupul cand cu dunga alba, cand c-o dunga neagra.

- Nu se poate!

- Zebra ca zebra, da sa vedeti voi girafa!

- Cum ii girafa?

- Girafa ii... Stiti magaru' lui Vasile?

- Cum sa nu!

- Girafa seamana la trup cu magaru' lu Vasile, da' are niste picioare de doi metri si un grumaz de tri.

- Nu se poate!

- Ba se poate! Dar cel mai interesant dintre tate ii hipopotamu.

- Cum ii hipopotamu'?

- Apai, cum sa va spui io... Stiti magaru' lu' Vasile?

- Stim.

- Ei bine, hipopotamu' nu seamana deloc cu el.

[ticodriver]

Românul a fost de mult preocupat de statutul sau de membru al Europei, ca si

in acest moment. Si acum 150 de ani subiectul integrarii era fierbinte !!!

 

Veronica Porumbacu scria in ''Gazeta Literara'' :

"O Europa, te simt in mine,

Te simt adânc in mine

Te simt în sufletul meu

Te simt toata in mine."

 

Pastorel Teodoreanu i-a raspuns :

"O,superba Veronica,

Eu credeam c-o ai mai mica,

Dar marturisirea-ti clara

Din Gazeta Literara

Demonstreza elocvent

Ca in chestia matale

- Cu-adâncimi fenomenale -

Intra 'ntregul continent."