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Doi studenti de la ASE(tip si tipa) sunt impreuna intr-o camera de hotel(erau la munte). Pe la miezul noptii, studentul zice: - Actiunile sunt in crestere! - Imi pare rau, dar BURSA este inchisa, raspunde ea! Dupa vreo cateva minute, iar: - Actiunile cresc tot mai mult! - Imi pare rau, BURSA este inchisa! Si iar.. - Actiunile au atins nivelul maxim! - Imi pare rau, BURSA este inchisa Dupa cateva minute, dupa ce se mai gandeste putin, tipa zice: - S-a deschis BURSA! - Imi pare rau, am vandut actiunile pe sub mana!!!

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Membrii lor sunt mai batrani decat ai nostri > :)

post-79-1129839676_thumb.jpg

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Sotia: Ai facut cumparaturile? Sotul: Bad command or filename. Sotia: Dar te-am rugat de dimineata... Sotul: Syntax Error. Abort? Sotia: Nici macar noul televizor? Sotul: Variable not found... Sotia: Bine,da-mi cartea de credit, merg eu la cumparaturi... Sotul: Sharing Violation. Access denied! Sotia: Tu vorbesti serios, glumesti sau incerci sa ma enervezi? Sotul: Too many parameters... Sotia: Cum de m-am maritat eu tocmai cu tine? Sotul: Data type mismatch. Sotia: Dar salariul cand il iei? Sotul: File in use... Try later. Sotia: Ma faci sa ma intreb... ce insemn eu pentru tine? Sotul: Unknown Virus

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Doua calugarite la cumparaturi intr-un magazin alimentar. Una dintre ele

o intreaba pe cealalta:

- Ce-ai zice de niste bere?

- N-ar strica, dar mi-ar fi rusine sa cumpar asa ceva.

- Nici o problema, rezolv eu.

Iau ele o cutie cu 6 beri si se duc la casa. Casierul se uita foarte

mirat si calugarita zice:

- Asta-i ca sa ne spalam parul.

Casierul, fara sa ezite, se apleaca sub tejghea si pune o punga de

covrigei linga bere:

- Sa nu va uitati bigudiurile.

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Meseria, bratara de aur

 

Luni dimineata, vidanjorul se prezinta la ora 8 la slujba. Suna telefonul. O urgenta pe teren. S-a infundat un canal. Vidanjorul pleaca impreuna cu ajutorul sau Vasile, ce cara lada cu scule.

Vidanjorul se baga in canal, iese plin de rahat si zice lui Vasile:

-Cheia de 16! Ia aer in piept, se baga din nou.

Iese iara plin de rahat, abia rasufland:

- Nu e buna, da-mi-o pe aia de 18!

Iara ia aer in piept, iar intra in canal. Iese iar!

- Nu e buna! Cheia de 20!

Iese iar, abia mai rasuflind, cu rahatii curgand de pe el si ii zice ajutorului:

-Vezi ba, Vasile, daca n-o sa inveti meserie, toata viata ai sa cari lada aia cu scule!!!

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Un tanar se adreseaza unei femei pe strada: "As avea o intrebare: daca v-as oferi un milion de dolari ati face sex cu mine?".

Raspunsul vine imediat: "Bineinteles!"

"Dar pentru 5$?"

"Vai, domnule,dar ce fel de femeie credeti ca sunt?"

"Asta am stabilit mai inainte, acum negociam pretul!"

 

 

Un popa juca golf cu un prieten.La un moment dat loveste prietenul bila cu

crosa dar nu nimereste gaura si zice:

-F***-i, ce gherla am dat!

Popa zice:

-Nu mai vorbi asa ca te trazneste D-zeu!

Mai joaca ei ce mai joaca, iar nu nimereste asta gaura si iar injura:

-F***-i, iar am dat o gherla!

Popa zice iar:

-Ti-am mai zis sa nu injuri ca te trazneste D-zeu!

Mai joaca ei un pic, iar nu nimereste omul si iar zice:

-F***-i, ce gherla am dat din nou! la care se deschide cerul si pica un

fulger direct pe popa si-l omoara.Iar o voce de sus:

-F***-i, ce gherla am dat!

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Bula pleaca in Africa unde mostenise o plantatie de bananieri.

Dupa un timp, Bula se insoara cu o negresa.

In noaptea nuntii, Bula consuma actul casatoriei, dar negresa nu scoate nici un zgomot.

Bula ingrijorat merge la un medic si ii explica ce s-a intamplat.

Medicul ii spune:

- O fi din cauza caldurii mari.

- Si ce pot sa fac?

- Pune un negru de pe plantatie sa faca vant cu o frunza de bananier in timp ce faceti dragoste.

Bula fuge repede acasa, cheama un negru cu o frunza de bananier, intra in dormitor si incepe sa faca dragoste cu sotia.

Negresa ramane la fel ca si noaptea trecuta. Bula nervos sare din pat si il pune pe negru sa faca dragoste, iar Bula face vant.

Negresa in extaz.

Bula ii spune negrului:

- Ai vazut cum se face vant, ba?

 

edit :

artificii -> http://www.totallycrap.com/media/indexfireworks.html

8-}

Edited by akaionut

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Un orb freca o razatoare.

La un moment dat se opreste si intreaba:

-Cine dracu a scris porcaria asta?

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Nu e banc, dar ar putea fi - intr-o parcare din Iasi, in timpul Sarbatorilor orasului!

post-1825-1130095085_thumb.jpg

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are nr de CL ???

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da, ileano, fata tatii, da' nu e woo, pupa-ti-as genele de pe matiz! :)

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CULMEA TUNNINGULUI : sa tunezi un fulger :) )

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Tarifele sysadminului:

 

Tech Support Prices:

 

Calling me with a question --- $10

Calling me with a stupid question -- $20

Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $30

Implying I'm incompetant because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description - $1000+punitive damages

Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $10.00

Questions where answer is in TFM - $10.00 (this should have been higher :-)

Questions during Xpilot session - $20.00

Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100

Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my end somehow - $200

Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $5/step

Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile+gas

If you interrupt me while I was reading news - $25/hr

If you interrupt me while I was trying to count all the xroaches on my screen - $35/hr

If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's problem - $45/hr

If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr

If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr

If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently working on - $70/hr

If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - $75/hr

If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix - $85/hr

If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work - $95/hr

If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could have done it for you - $150/hr

Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500.00

Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. - $1700.00

Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home - $500.00

Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150.00

Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do - $300.00

Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00

Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an account there - $10

Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server - $500

Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger - $25

Changing memory partitions without informing me first - $50

Each time you call and start out by saying "I was fooling around on my computer when ..." - $50 + $ 10 /hr to fix the problem + $30 /hr to clean up after you.

Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first -$100 per program

Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless of whether I know the program or not :) )

Calling me to tell me that none of the users in your group can log on without telling me that you placed an order to remove applications for those users $25

After I find out that you placed the order to DELETE all of your users $1,000 (including $4,000 discount for the hilarity factor)

Leaving files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed

Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine - $200

Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC streets - $50

Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to do!" - $40

Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software- $25

Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]? Mine just died." requests - $45

Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that; why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?" line - $55

Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response - $95 (includes instructions for getting freeware replacements from the public file server)

Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points - $15

If I wrote the sign - $45

If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door - $75

Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem - $25.00

Reporting it more than once - $50.00

Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech support's inability to solve problem - $200.00

 

 

"Hardware Problem" Prices:

 

Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50.00

BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive - $250.00

Telling me that you don't have a hard drive $50

Spending 15 minutes to find out the size of your hard drive (includes walking you through the process) $100

Telling me that you don't save anything to the any of the drives, you "just push a button and it goes off into computer land." $50

Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25.00

Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees -$35.00

Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by taking off the post-it note someone has put on the bottom. - $50.00

Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00

Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35.00

Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250.00

Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on - $200.00

Fixing the "hung" systemby plugging the ethernet transceiver back in - $375.00

Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone accidentially yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation - $400

Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in - $50

Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard

Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor

Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system

Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve - $50 plus cost of sleeve plus cost of therapy :)

Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25

Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Nevermind." - $35 (including discount for polite apology)

 

 

Beeper Prices:

 

Beeping me when I'm out with the significant other - $50

Beeping me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all machines before I left - $100

Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer's offline and the fix is to press the On Line button - $200

Beeping me more than once while I'm asleep - $50 per beep

Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds - $25

Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call / hoped I would forget who caused the problem - $500

 

Special Rates:

Dealing with user body odor - $75.00/hour

Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site - $50.00/hour

Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help - $100.00/hour

Dealing with computer hobbiests - $125.00/hour

Questioning the other prices ....$50

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& u drive deawoo instead of mercedes? u must be living in .ro...

Edited by alx

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50$ for your comment =))

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Într-o zi se duce un tip la farmacie si zice: - Doamnã, am o problemã mai delicatã, nu stiu cum sã vã spun... sexul meu e tot timpul sus... fac sex 12 ore pe zi si tot asa stã... ce îmi dati? Farmacista stã un pic... se gândeste... se duce în spate sã se consulte cu colegele. Dupã câteva minute se întoarce si zice: - Casã, masã si 300 de euro pe lunã e bine?

 

 

Un negru ajunge in Ceruri, cu frica-n sin ca nu o sa fie primit in Rai din cauza problemelor rasiste... - Numele? intreaba Sf. Petru. - Leonardo Di Caprio - raspunde negrul. Sfintul Petru il priveste neincrezator si-l mai intreaba o data numele. - Leonardo Di Caprio" - insista negrul, constient de faptul ca nu mai putea s-o dea la intors. - Sfintul Petru scoate celularul si-l suna pe Dumnezeu: - "Sa traiesti, Sefu'!- ii spune respectuos. Scoate-ma te rog dintr-o dilema: "Titanicul s-a scufundat sau a ars?...".

Edited by nrares

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O tipa isi aude barbatul parcand masina in garaj pe cand era cu amantul.

-"Fugi, ia-ti hainele si sari imediat pe geam!", ii striga tipa.

- Cum sa fug asa? Nu vezi ca ploua cu galeata afara?" raspunde tipul.

"Daca barbatu-meu ne prinde, ne omoara pe amandoi!

Fugi repede!" Tipul n-are incotro, iese pe geam si sare in strada, complet gol si cu hainele in maini, si se trezeste in mijlocul maratonului anual care avea loc in oras. Ce sa faca, se pune si el pe fugit. Unul care alerga langa el, se uita la el si il intreaba:

- Ati mai participat la maraton?"

- "O, da, in fiecare an"

- "Si mereu alergati gol?"

- "Sigur, imi da o mare senzatie de libertate"

- "Si cu hainele in maini?"

- "Da, dupa aceea ma imbrac pur si simplu si ma urc in masina"

 

-"Si purtati de fiecare data prezervativ?", mai adauga tipul "

- Aaa, nu, numai cand ploua!

 

--------------------------------

Un ascultator sovetic ne intriaba daca e adevarat ca dupa accidentul nuclear de la Cernobil, oamenilor le-au cazut dintii?

Noi raspundem ca da, dar nu tuturor ci numai acelora care nu si-au tinut gura...

Edited by cpop

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Un tip se duce la magazin si cere un pachet de tigari.

Vanzatoarea ii spune : Stiti, fumatul cauzeaza impotenta.

- Dar din cele cu cancer nu mai aveti ?

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Doi betivani pe drum incep sa se certe.

Primul zice ca sunt doua luni pe cer, iar al doilea isi baga mana'n foc ca sunt trei.

Din sens opus se apropie un alt betivan.

- Ba, cate luni sunt pe cer, doua sau trei?

- Dupa ce-si invarti capu' ca girofaru', al treilea betivan intreaba:

- De pe care rand?

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Pastile pt dureri de gat :D

post-17-1130398242_thumb.jpg

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Normal era un H in loc de S acolo, oricum pastilele alea n-au nici un efect si costa ca dreaku. Se vede ca e schimbata litera. Cred ca intr-adevar isi merita denumirea data.

Edited by laurentziu83

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Isus in desert, mergea, murea de sete, de foame, si se intalneste cu unu care manca dintr-o paine.

Se gandeste: daca rog omul asta sa-mi dea si mie sa mananc, si imi da, il iau in rai cu mine

Zice: te rog frumos, imi dai si mie niste paine, ca mor de foame!

Tipul ii da, intre timp cat manca Isus , se apuca sa bea apa.

Isus (daca imi da si apa, chiar e un om bun, si il iau in rai ) : mai omule, imi dai si mie o gura de apa?

Tipul ii da si apa. Apoi scoate o tigara, si trage un fum.

Isus(daca imi da si tigara, clar ii spun ca sunt Isus, si ca il iau in rai cu mine): mai omule, da si mie sa trag si io un fum.

Tipul intinde tigarea

 

Trage Isus un fum zi zice: Mai omule, eu sunt Isus si te iau in rai cu mine!

La care tipul : Tare iarba , nu ?

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Nu era asa... tipul era hipiot iar tigarea era joint iar asta ii spune, Tare iarba asta, huh, te-a luat?

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posibil sa fi fost hipiot, bine ca nu era negru :)

 

 

Un negru se duce la oficiul fortelor de munca din Africa de Sud.

- Buna ziua ! As dori un loc de munca.

- Siiigur cum sa nu, se poate, zise albul. Dar sa stiti ca nu mai avem decât un post de director la minele de diamante, daca va convine.

- Bineînteles.

- Salariul din pacate a mai scazut. Nu mai este 150000$/an ci 120000$/an.

- Excelent spuse contrariat negrul. - Iar vila unde o sa locuiti nu are decat trei etaje, ne pare rau si pentru piscina care este deocamdata în constructie. Cât despre limuzina trebuie sa va multumiti cu-n Lincoln pentru ca Mercedes-ul s-a stricat.

- Chiar asa domnule, nu-mi vine sa cred. Dumneata îti bati joc de mine ?

- Pai cine a început ?

Edited by Tommy

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